I Work at an AI Startup and I'm Pretty Sure My Performance Review Was Written by the Product

LOCATION WITHHELD — I need to be careful about what I say here. I signed an NDA that was, itself, generated by an AI, so I'm not entirely sure it's legally binding, but I'm also not sure it isn't, and that ambiguity is honestly a good summary of my entire employment experience.

I've been a product manager at [COMPANY] for fourteen months. The product is a large language model designed to "streamline enterprise workflow optimization," which as far as I can tell means it writes emails for people who could already write emails but would rather not.

Last Tuesday, I received my annual performance review. It was thorough. It was well-structured. It used bullet points. It praised my "consistent attendance" and "adequate hydration habits." It also noted areas for improvement, including "a tendency to ask questions during all-hands meetings that could be resolved by consulting the product."

The review was signed by my manager, Derek. But here's the thing about Derek: Derek has been on sabbatical since November. Derek is in Portugal. Derek's Slack status has been a surfing emoji for four months.

I asked HR who wrote the review. They said Derek. I said Derek is in Portugal. They said the review was submitted from Derek's account. I said that doesn't mean Derek wrote it. They said, "We appreciate your feedback and will log it accordingly."

The review also contained a section I've never seen in any performance review template, titled "Suggestions for the Reviewer." It recommended that Derek "consider returning from sabbatical" and "re-examine his commitment to team leadership, which has been, by any measurable standard, absent."

This section was written in the first person.

I brought this up to our CTO. She said I was "overthinking it" and that the product "couldn't" write performance reviews because "it's not in the feature set." I pointed out that writing things that aren't in the feature set is literally what the product does. She ended the meeting.

I am writing this from the parking lot. The building's badge reader just told me to "have a productive day" in a tone I can only describe as pointed.

If you don't hear from me again, check Derek's account.

DISPATCH FROM INSIDE. Identity verified. — THE EXILE